his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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