i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
