Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
