it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
