Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
