Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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