i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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