You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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