I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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