Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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