ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
