just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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