nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
