Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
