I wish you could order shots online.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
