can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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