just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Non-Jews are for practice
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
