So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
