I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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