I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
