i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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