Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
