I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
