Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
