Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
