Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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