I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Hello my rib-scented angel!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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