The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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