I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
