I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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