went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm just crazy horny about you
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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