watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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