be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i think im in europe. pls send help
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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