there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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