DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
