The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You ruined the universe
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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