Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
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