I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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