Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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