I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
