smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize