no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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