dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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