Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
