She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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