Dude my mom stole all your condoms
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize