omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
