she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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