My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
