nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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