im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize