Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
