Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
