Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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