Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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