Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
