considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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