We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
