We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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