i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
