u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
