I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize