I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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