thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
