Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
