They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
