Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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